LackOfGrace1

GAIS, I already started on chapter 3!!!~

 

Be proud.

   Hi...So, I finally logged back into my dA after uhm....

Maybe 2 years of inactivity?

   Well, needless to say a LOT of things happened over the past two years, I can't ever begin to tell you how life changing it has all been for me.

I guess I should reqind back to my last dated journal entry when I came back from my friends house in Kansas. I'm going to be COMPLETELY honest with you guys, because I feel like if I let it out I'll be able to feel more like a person again, instead of a fake-smiling barbie doll in some twisted universe. I felt fat. I was honestlly really worried about facing my friend in kansas because I knew she was skinnier than me, and I decided to go on a diet a month before I went to visit her. I started this great diet that I thought was perfect. (I'd go all day without food and ride my bike for two-three hours and eat dinner with my family, and that was it.) Well, this didn't work out as great as I thought because then I pigged out at dinner and couldn't stop myself from binging. I felt horrible like that, and my weight stayed the same. I started getting REALLY scared. I was seeing no results and I decided I just had to train myself to starve. I became so obsessed with my food rituals and extreme calorie restriction (It got worse after I got an app on a smartphone I'd just gotten for calorie counting and excersize charts) I stayed stricly below 600 calories daily, and if I got lower I would be so happy with myself. I lost weight, about 7 pounds before I got on the plane to go to kansas, I felt slightly confident, but a feeling in my stomache told me I had to keep it up. That's when the voices started. I saw my friend,, and I was somewhat pleased to see I was about the same size as her. The first horrible thing the voices said were, "Hey, she's pretty chubby, which means your chubbier! Don't stop dieting, don't stop your new successful thin life from passing you by!!!" We went out for lunch. I at one bite of my hamburger and two fries and said I was stuffed from the free pretzels on the airplane.

 

I kept up my diet there. I had my banana and 1/4 cup of corn-flakes with 1/2 cup skim milk every morning, and I had a half a ham-mustard sandwhich everyday. Dinner was usually different so I just skipped it because of "The weird time difference" I couldn't believe myself. I was lying to my best friend and family without a morsel of guilt. One day I was there she stepped on her moms electric scale and announced, "I'm 124" I needed to know. A voice told me no, what if I wasn't less? What then?. I stepped on, "120"

I couldnt describe to her why I had a huge grin on my face. I'd lost 4 more pounds since being in kansas, and I felt amazing for it. I continued rigidly dieting.

Her little sister was a toothpick, and I was envious of her the whole week. What made stick to my diet had to be the extra comments she made to me like, "FAT ALBERT! Look how much you eat!!!" I knew she said that to everyone, but it kept me in line for some reason.

I went home, and began getting used to the hunger. It didn't affect me anymore. I ran inside my house and into my moms bathroom, and jumped onto the scale. I'd slipped and had let my host's buy me a departing ice cream bar. It had been 280 calories, and I had two waffle fries from chic-fil-a. That was all.

"117" I couldve cried, I was so happy. It was my accomplishment, and I was beyond proud of myself. I looked in the mirror and frowned though. I didnt look thinner. I looked almost BIGGER. I vowed I would reach my goal of 100 pounds. It seemed so ideal. So it was a deal.

I hid my dinner. I cut down to half a banana and no milk in my cereal. that was 80 calories. Lunch was a can of green beans, for 60 calories, and I fed my dinner to my dog Onyx, who always sat expectantly under the dinner table. I couldnt eat anything my mom made. (She is a southern cook who uses sticks of butter in everything) I couldnt see food anymore. It was just another number or fat content. I loved food though, I liked to smell it, and touch it, and sometimes i'd put it in my mouth. But when I realized I did it, I spat it back out and slapped myself. But dinner got more difficult. The hunger pains got worse. It felt like someone was sucking up my insides. Everynight I would look for something to eat before going to bed. but everything had too many calories. I would end up settling on a half peice of whole wheat bread (25) and a teaspoon of peanut butter (30) I would eat the crust, and my little yorkie dog would find me hiding in the corner behind the big chair in the living room and start whimpering for some. I'd end up giving her the peice with the peanut butter on it and going to bed.

Sleep became more difficult. I'd lie awake and think about food. About my breakfast option. It's not like it mattered really. I had the same stuff everyday. I grew lots of fuzzy hair on my body, and my hair fell out rapidly. I was around 102 and my mom said "Your too thin. Stop your dieting" One day when I walked out of my room wearing jeans from the 4th grade. I ignored her. Food just looked disgusting. I continued to fear food, and fear gaining weight. I got sick with a cold and stayed home from school, and lied on the couch, wigglling my foot to burn some calories, and my mom forced me to the bathroom to weigh. I was 101. She called the doctor.

I was asked about myself. Had I had a period? (No.) Yes. Was I feeling okay? (No.) Yes. Was I having heart palpitations? (What are those? Oh- So thats what woke me up in the middle of the night.) Was I experiencing painful muscle cramp/spasmz? (Once again, those woke me up in the night.) And was I forcing myself to vomit? No. I cried when I told the doctor that was disgusting, and I would never do such a thing. She sent me to the lab for bloodwork and it came back okay, except for a low white-blood count. I could be slightly anemic, and puberty also caused weight fluctuations. She sent me home, and I was ecstatic. I had to 'prove' to my mom I was fine. I made chocolate chip cookies and made a big deal about licking the spoons and eating one in front of her. The voice told me they would take my thinness away if I didnt convince my parents. So it managed to fool them, and I was happy. I continued my quest to find my perfect body and be beautiful.

People reading may think "Wow, your so stupid and vain to put your health at risk to be skinny" Well I can understand that, but its not as simple as you may think. It started with weight and food, but now it's more about my own willpower and self worth I feel I get from starving myself. I can look around and be proud I'm not eating like other people are. I haven't had much control in my life, and this is something I can always control.

So I got lower and lower, and my mom got more and more persistent. She would weight me almost EVERY freakin' night! and it got harder to hide. I resorted to dirty tricks such as using weights under my pajamas, and drinking a gallon of water in the bathroom after my showers just to add a little weight. I went down to my lowest weight of 79 pounds. I'm 5 Ft 6. My mom cried every time she touched me, so I've grown to hate people touching me in any physical way. She wanted to know what was wrong with me, but to tell everyone the truth, I don't think theres anything wrong with me. I think I'm a little different, but isnt everyone? I didn't know.

She schedualed more doctors appointments because I didnt come clean to her questions. I got schedualed into a operation in which they stuck a tube with a camera down my throat into my stomache to make sure I didnt have tapeworm or anything. I came out with a perfectly clean record. I was never so scared in my life.

The year ended, I was going to be a sophmore in high school soon and I was at a 90 pound range. My friends at school didn't know to the extent of my emaciated frame, but my best friends knew. I had them over for a pool part for my birthday and my rib bones could be counted in my swimsuit. I couldnt even swim, the water was 78 degrees but it felt like an icebath. One good friend asked me if I wanted to do cross country with her, and I politely told her no way in hell. But then the voices started up, "You could burn so many calories running! Do it!" So I asked my mom first because I knew she wouldnt so easily agree to her 90-pound daughter she could go run ten miles a day. She gave me a deal, I had to get up to the lowest weight for my height, (115. God, to this day I would cry if I EVER got up there again.) to run. I agreed. I forced myself to eat ice cream every night for a few months, and slowly put on a half pound every week. Enough to satisfy my mother, as long as I went up to 115.

Cross country is an amazing experience. Its like, an outlet to the stress and uncontrol of my everyday life. My sister has ADHD and my parents constantly yell and her and the house is always so unhappy. On top of that my dads out of work, so little income money. It's a great way to get away. I didn't expect to be the first girl on varsity for my high school but I was. I was only 105 pounds, but I still tricked my mom into thinking I'm 115 with water and weights.

I've become a liar, a sneak, a theif, and a untrustworthy friend. I'm disgusted by what I've become, but I can't help it. This is who I am, and it's never going to change. Everytime my mother smiles at me with trust and goes, "I'm so proud of you" I want to cry and scream But why??? It's not a fair life to live. I've tried to go back to my old self, eating when I was hungry, stopping when I was full. Liking outdoor activities and walks with friends. But it's no use. Becuase if I put anything into my mouth, its because I thought about it all day and I know exactly the amount it is, and what I'm going to do to burn it all off.

I'm about 108 pounds to this day, but I'm feeling fat again, so I'm falling back again. I hope I don't. I pray my mother doesn't cry, and my father doesn't call me a bag of bones or skeleton girl. That hurts me more than muscle pain or palpitations or feeling cold all the time.

I just needed to get this off my chest...I'm not asking for sympathy or anything, I just needed to be honest with people at least once in my life.

Honestly, I think I have an eating disorder, but I want to keep it always, because I'm afraid of living without it.

 

Have a good night everyone! <3 I hope I am more active now.

...

Anyone miss me?

I was in Kansas for a while!~

I went to see my best friend for a bit, (due to her crazy family issues she had to move up there....) And I got to live like a Hillbilly for a bit!

That means no internet, no phone service, and no dA!!!

It was crazy.....But I had fun! The best thing that happened when I was there would have to be when we went to the small Awesome fair in their town (The nearest big town is an hour away...) Totally fun.

But just getting to see my besty and all the other guys was good enough for me, The plane ride wasnt half bad either.   

But I apologize for not giving you guys a heads up on this....I'm really sorry, I forgot and then next thing I know I'm on the plane headed for hillbilly hell

But anywho, Red kisses will be continued. New chapter tomorrow evening. Thanks for being patient! Love all ya!~

(All inbox messages will be horribly late, obviously )